You have reached the virtual model of Hanlon. Stand by for writing, attempted witticisms, references to his guitar playing, jackets, trainers and geek miscellania. Have a nice day. Please insert cake now.
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Posted 2, August, 2012

Waiting For God

It was a Tuesday afternoon when Adam Wellman found God. He found him in a bar in the middle of town. He’d just sat down for a beer after work to unwind when he saw the forlorn figure slumped on a stool. Adam, being an optimistic sort, sat next to him. He signalled the barman over for his usual cold one. “Hello, there,” he said to the man. “Nice afternoon.”

“What’s nice about it?” The man spoke through a face full of beard and his clothes were strange, distinctly unfashionable and shapeless.

“Well, it’s sunny out there,” said Adam, refusing to be put off. “I suppose it might rain later, God knows, right?”

“Yeah, I do,” the man retorted, slinging Adam a dirty look.

“Sorry?”

“I do,” the man repeated slowly, as if talking to a congenital idiot.

“Um, yeah,” said Adam. He was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable and took a long pull of his beer.

“In fact, I know everything,” the man went on, “in about 5 seconds a man will fall off his stool over there and get thrown out for being drunk, in 10 seconds an incredibly beautiful woman will walk in, realise this is a dive bar and walk out again…do you want me to go on?”

Adam was smiling, clearly the man had been drinking for a while before Adam had sat next to him. He raised his pint mug in a silent toast to the man, just as a denim-clad cowboy-looking guy fell off a stool.

“Alright, you’ve had enough, Jeb,” said the barman, slinging Jeb’s arm over his shoulder and carrying him out.

“Coincidence,” said Adam in his head, still he couldn’t help himself from looking at the bar entrance. A brunette with perfect features seemed to materialise out of the gloom, she looked around, clutched her handbag closer to her and walked out again. None of the other patrons seemed to notice.

“Wow, okay, mister…who are you?”

“I’m God, I told you in the first place, no one on this planet listens anymore, you’ve got your internet and your mobile telephones and your text messages but nobody actually listens to each other.”

Adam laughed. Even to his ears it sounded high-pitched and nervous. “But, but, I’m not sure I believe in you,” he said, realising it sounded ridiculous.

“Oh yeah?” said God, “doesn’t really matter what you believe, Adam, Adam Wellman, 25 years old, single, virgin, regular taxpayer, stole 5 dollars once from your mother’s purse and put it back later…”

“Shh, okay, okay, keep your voice down, I believe you. I mean, I believe in you.”

Adam’s head was spinning and he’d only had half a beer. He loosened his tie and undid his top button. He thought there was supposed to be more light involved in these sort of situations, a heavenly choir….something, not a dingy bar in Chicago that smelled of cheap beer.

“So, what happens now?” Adam said.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m going to have another drink,” said God.

TO BE CONTINUED…

87 notes
Posted 18, July, 2012

We Still Don’t Understand Girls

“What’s the worst thing you’ve said during sex?” my friend Jimmy asked me. I ummed and erred for a bit as at that point I wasn’t experienced, and indeed am not at this present moment in time.

“I asked a girl what her favourite dinosaur was,” he said with regretful glee.

I stopped suddenly in the street, leaving Jimmy to walk ahead a few paces before he noticed I was not beside him.

“Are you serious?” I said. The concept was already making me smile. Jimmy’s a hilarious guy and he’s always regaling me with stories of his misadventures. You could call it living vicariously, except by the end of his anecdotes I normally don’t want to have lived them.

“Yeah,” he replied, as I caught up to him and we continued walking. “I don’t know, I just feel like there’s an awkward moment and I have to say something.”

“I think you’re doing it wrong, dude,” I said. Jimmy’s face fell. I felt bad, I was only joking, so I punched him on the arm. Jimmy is significantly shorter than me and I must have hit him harder than I intended.

“Ow, man, I just hope I’m not. It just feels weird when the girl’s y’know…” he waved his arms in a vague shapely motion in the air, causing a couple of attractive girls in skinny jeans and tight vest tops to give us the sort of looks normally reserved for things that have clung to their Louboutins.

“I’m just playing with you, Jimmy,” I said, “but what happened?”

“Well, so, I start telling her my favourite dinosaur’s a Pterodactyl…”

I interrupt him: “I wouldn’t have thought you’d be a Pterodactyl kind of guy, more a Velociraptor.”

“Anyway,” he continued, “then she got off.”

I stick my arm up in the air for the high-five.

“Nice, man!”

“No, I mean she got off me. She literally stopped and started putting her clothes on and then she left.”

I started laughing and Jimmy sees my face and then he started laughing.

“I’ll never understand girls,” I said.

“Yeah me neither,” Jimmy answered. “So what’s your favourite dinosaur?” 

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Posted 13, June, 2011

Through The Valley Yonder

I walked through a deep ravine and met a man who said to me, “Traveller, are you thirsty? For it is hot and dusty…” said I to the man, “Why yes I am, but I do not know you and much as I trust the people of this world, how do I know you mean me no ill-will?” The man scratched his beard and I feared for my life, for he was large and stocky. Eventually he proposed a bargain to earn my trust. He would carry me upon his back, through the crack in the Earth we were traversing, even though it was the opposite way to that in which he was heading. I was grateful for his help, as a young whelp I was tired and could not carry on my journey. He passed me his skin and drink I did, deeply and presently I got sleepy and settled down to dream. All at once I kicked myself awake in fear. “What was in that water?” I cried to the man, for a sudden shock gripped my heart, I had woken in a start, but I was still upon his back. “We are at the next town my friend, no harm befell you, though I avoided bears and bandits while you dreamed, it seemed that you were smiling at a memory.” The guilt washed over me like the surf, I wanted the very earth below to swallow me. I dropped to my feet and shook his hand. “Thank you, dear friend, please come with me and you will see my gratitude with a meal,” but he refused and turned the other way and all he did say was “You are welcome and I hope that next time you will give the benefit of the doubt to someone who tries to help you.”

12 notes
Posted 10, June, 2011

Ethereal Princess

There’s something about you I can’t put my finger on

You walk through raindrops and don’t get wet

Like they know that touching you without permission

Would leave them always in your debt

You don’t leave any footprints in my dusty room

I watch the sunlight try and illuminate you

I can see your face but your outline’s in gloom

And the colour of your eyes is an unknown hue

You’re otherworldly and I’m scared you’ll dance away

As you pirouette laughing at my staring gaze

You’re one of the fairies; born of the fey

And all at once you’re gone and I’m amazed…

3 notes
Posted 9, June, 2011

The Sustenance of Time

Had I but time enough and inclination
I’d stop all clocks across the nation
Purely so I could take in your face
Each and every last detail and trace
Of emotion burnt across its countenance
I’d be a knight with shield and lance
Lowered and tipping for your favour
To win the day and then to savour
The prize that is a mere look from you
That will sustain my whole life through